Understanding and Overcoming Approval-Seeking Behavior

What is approval seeking behavior? Approval seeking behavior is tendency to seek acceptance from outer sources such as other people before making decision. Approval-seeking behavior is something many of us struggle with without even realizing it. It's often deeply ingrained in our subconscious, and it can significantly impact our self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being. In this article, I want to explore why seeking approval is so harmful, how it affects us, and how you can start to break free from this cycle of constantly looking to others for validation.

The Harmful Effects of Approval-Seeking Behavior

Approval-seeking can be incredibly detrimental to our mental health and emotional well-being. Here are a few key ways this behavior harms us:

1. Low Self-Esteem
   When we constantly seek approval from others, we begin to base our sense of worth on their opinions, rather than our own self-perception. This creates a fragile sense of self-esteem that can crumble easily when we don't receive the validation we crave. Over time, you may start to feel like you’re not enough just as you are, and that you need to change yourself to be accepted.

2. Lack of Confidence
   Approval-seeking is directly tied to a lack of self-confidence. When you're always looking for reassurance from others, you don't trust your own judgment. This leaves you feeling uncertain, insecure, and dependent on others' opinions to make decisions. You may even avoid making decisions altogether because you fear that you might choose the "wrong" path without validation from others.

3. Giving Away Your Decision-Making Power
   Perhaps one of the most damaging effects of approval-seeking is that it causes you to hand over your personal power. Instead of making choices based on your own desires and values, you begin to rely on others to tell you what to do. You stop trusting yourself to make decisions and instead let other people dictate the direction of your life. This takes away your autonomy and can make you feel like you're living someone else’s life, not your own.

4. Fear of Rejection
   Seeking approval often comes from a deep-rooted fear of rejection. We worry that if we don’t conform to others’ expectations, we won’t be accepted or loved. This fear drives us to constantly seek validation, even if it means compromising our own desires and values.

5. Stagnation and Missed Opportunities
   When you're stuck in the cycle of seeking approval, you’re less likely to take risks or step outside your comfort zone. You might miss out on opportunities for growth, self-discovery, and personal fulfillment because you're too focused on what others think. Instead of pursuing your own passions and dreams, you stay stuck in a place of comfort, waiting for others to give you permission to move forward.

My Journey: Realizing the Need for Approval

For a long time, I didn’t even realize how deeply approval-seeking was ingrained in my behavior. It felt natural, like something I was supposed to do. The constant need for validation, questioning myself before making a decision, and looking for reassurance from others were all habits that felt normal to me. Whether it was about posting on Instagram, sharing my thoughts in a meeting, or even choosing what to wear, I always looked to others to tell me that I was making the "right" decision.

It wasn’t until I started reading books like How to Be Not Nice to People and Stop People-Pleasing by Aziz Gazipur  that I realized how much I was shaping my life around the need for others’ approval. A defining moment for me was in a meeting, when everyone was sharing their opinions, and instead of speaking up confidently, I found myself glancing around the room, checking in with my friends before I made a decision. That moment was eye-opening—I was not trusting my own voice. Instead, I was looking for validation before I spoke. 

I also found that this habit was not just limited to meetings or social settings, but also to personal decisions, like what I posted on Instagram. Before posting anything, I would second-guess myself, asking, “Is this okay? Should I post this?” instead of just trusting my instincts and expressing myself authentically.

How Approval-Seeking Behaviors Are Instilled in Us

Approval-seeking often starts in childhood. When we’re young, we turn to our parents for reassurance. We rely on them to tell us that we’re doing things right, to approve of our actions, and to guide us through life. While this is natural for children, the issue arises when we carry this habit into adulthood. The need for validation becomes a default mode of operating, and it’s hard to break free from.

But here's the key: while our parents may have been our primary source of validation as children, it’s their responsibility, as we grow older, to teach us that we no longer need their approval to make decisions. They should guide us toward becoming independent thinkers who can trust ourselves and our choices. Seeking their validation in adulthood can keep us stuck in the past, unable to fully step into our own power.

Strategies for Overcoming Approval-Seeking

Breaking free from approval-seeking behavior is a process, but it’s completely possible. Here are some strategies that helped me and might help you too:

1. Affirmations
   One of the most powerful tools I’ve used is affirmations. Start your day by telling yourself, “I am enough,” “I trust myself,” or “My opinion matters.” These affirmations reprogram your subconscious mind, helping you realize that your value doesn’t depend on others’ approval.

2. Self-Reflection
   Take time to reflect on your decisions. Ask yourself, “What do I truly want?” and “How do I feel about this decision?” You’ll start to recognize your own desires and build the confidence to make choices based on your authentic self.

3. Trust Yourself
   Trust is the foundation of overcoming approval-seeking. When you don’t trust yourself, you look to others to make decisions for you. The best way to build trust with yourself is to set small tasks or goals and follow through. For example, commit to doing something for 30 days, whether it’s exercising, journaling, or making decisions without asking for validation. As you complete these tasks, you'll build your self-trust, which is essential for stepping out of the approval-seeking habit.

4. Set Boundaries
   Establish boundaries with others and yourself. When you catch yourself seeking approval, gently remind yourself that your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's. You don’t need to ask for permission or validation to make decisions about your life.

5. Practice Self-Compassion
   Be gentle with yourself throughout this process. Changing deeply ingrained behaviors takes time, and it’s normal to slip up occasionally. When you do, don’t be harsh on yourself. Instead, practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you’re growing and learning.

6. Give Yourself Permission
   Give yourself permission to be authentic. You don’t need to explain yourself or seek validation for every decision you make. The more you embrace your true self, the less you’ll feel the need for approval from others.

7. Recognize the Source
   Understand that approval-seeking behavior often comes from a place of childhood conditioning. It’s natural to seek validation from our parents, but as adults, it’s time to realize that our worth comes from within, not from others. You are allowed to trust your own judgment and make decisions without seeking permission from others.

Final Thoughts

Overcoming approval-seeking behavior isn’t easy, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion, but the journey is worth it. Start by trusting yourself, setting boundaries, and embracing self-love. Remember, you are worthy of making your own decisions, and your voice matters.

If you're interested in learning more about personal growth and healing, feel free to check out my Instagram page for more tips, support, and inspiration on your journey toward self-empowerment. You’ve got this!